Wife eviscerates husband in mad dumping
A fed up Married At First Sight wife abruptly comes to her senses and ends her sham of a marriage by slapping down the man who has been stringing her along - and swatting away his excuses like the pesky flies that keep landing on their faces at the rural vow renewal ceremony.
On Monday night, we see the final two couples say "yeah" or "nah" about whether they want to stay together after this whole circus ends.
Despite that dramatic music that scores the entire 90 minutes, these vow renewal episodes are literally just watching people read monologues off palm cards. And, guaranteed, they were actually written by a 20-something producer in a hoodie who just googled "lame wedding vows".
Mishel and Steve part ways for a week to collect their thoughts. Up at her semi-detached townhouse in Brisbane, Mishel terrorises her daughter again with too much detail about how horny she is and how Steve would only ever want to engage in over-the-jean knee petting.
Her kid wants to puke.
As Mishel hyperventilates in her suburban kitchen, she launches into an epic description of exactly what her mind looks like right now.
"I'm living in little Disneyland! Like, in the bubble! You know, in that far away place? That's where I've been but I've been somewhere in f**kin' space!" she rasps as our minds attempt to keep up.
"And I've got someone holding me in this bubble with this string just, like, pulling me along … and that's where I've been. In a f**kin' bubble!"
Wow. That's quite a picture she has painted. Now, we have no idea what she's talking about, but it sounds like a flipping mess.
Meanwhile, Lizzie and Seb have also taken a week to reflect and, of course, Gillian has returned to offer her thoughts and opinions.
Gillian still has an issue that Seb's 31 and doesn't own a house and is some kind of aerobics instructor and, in the interest of fair and balanced reporting, we feel we should pipe up and point out again that Lizzie is the 2IC of a Zamel's.
There's a lot to weigh up for Elizabeth. Does she really want to give up her high flying lifestyle as a permanent part-timer at Stockland in Newcastle for love? It's a big ask.
But for Seb, there's no question.
When decision day comes, they meet on the hillside of a random farm we haven't asked permission to use.
"How could the experts match me with someone who could penetrate my walls and allow me to feel?" Seb beams in an unfortunate choice of words.
He craps on with his vows and of course he chooses to stay. Lizzie doesn't listen to a word he says and, instead, just focuses on the numerous facial expressions she has been rehearsing in the mirror for the past week.
When it comes time for her decision, producers make Lizzie do that annoying thing with her vows where they wind from nostalgic memory, to dramatic list of grievances before the word "BUT" is tacked on at the very end and she agrees to stay.
"I don't know how I can move forward with you knowing you have that ability to disconnect so easily," she threatens.
"Buuuutttt … I can't deny the feelings I have for you. I want you! Nobody else but you," she concludes.
It's around now the farmer whose property this is sees Lizzie and Seb in the distance and grabs his shotgun to teach them a lesson about trespassing. Ah. A tragic love story.
Over on a different farm we've illegally trespassed on, Mishel and Steve stand in front of a bale of hay. Will they waste even more of our time with this sham of a marriage? Steve tries his best.
"Mishel, I will love you until my last breath. I am privileged to have called you my wife. Not having each other in our lives would be a travesty to both of us. I want you in my life, Mishel," he declares.
"What a crazy thing to say I met a stranger two months ago and now I can openly say I love you. I'm so thankful I have you in my life, forever."
Wow. Impassioned stuff. But tell it to the hand, Steven, because Mishel has spent the past week dancing around her semi-detached townhouse in Brisbane to every Beyonce song. She might not have found love but she has found herself. And she sees you for the time waster that you are.
"The fact you kept telling me you were not attracted to me made me doubt myself, doubt my attractiveness, lose confidence and strength," she tells him, her tone matching her withering stare.
"In all honesty, Steve, although it hurts me to admit I feel like you have been stringing me along this whole time. What made me stronger was your rejection. I have felt the least attractive, least sexual I have ever felt in my whole life. Believe me when I say to you that I, Mishel, the woman who stands in front of you, does not need to be validated by a man.
"A person comes into your life for a reason or a season. And Steve, our season together is over. We are done. Steve, you have wasted my time."
She seems to have borrowed a capelet from Hayley and it proves to be the perfect accessory. After eviscerating Steve, the capelet blows in the warm country breeze and she gives it a slight whip with one arm just to prove how serious she is.
They're powerful final words. But the slam dunk is ruined when, just as she wraps up, a fly lands on her face.
Steve is silent. He looks down and shakes his head.
"Do you have … anything?" Mishel probes.
"No, not right now. I need to take all that in," Steve says before disregarding that claim and just crapping on with more rubbish. "If you think my heart was not in the right place then … You're so mistaken by that. I was just being honest with myself."
Then that cheeky fly goes and lands on his face.
"I'm sorry," Mishel snips.
"There's no need to apologise," Steve offers.
"No … I'm sorry you do not agree with it," Mishel cringes, annoyed that Steve would even think she was sorry for dumping him.
We start giggling because it's getting super awkward.
"Goodbye Steve," she declares and, with one final whip of her capelet, she storms off down the dusty path.
She doesn't have love. But she doesn't need it. She has capelet confidence.
Originally published as Wife eviscerates husband in mad dumping