Bachelor Recap: Matty’s stunning public rejection
IN EXCRUCIATING scenes, an overly-confident girl has been put in one of the most humiliating situations we've ever witnessed on The Bachelor: Her hair was permed, she was made to grind a motorcycle and then, when she tried to force-pash Matty J, she was publicly rejected.
Thursday night's episode also documented the take-down of a "cocky bitch" and we were treated to perhaps the most important fashion moment of our lifetime. Seriously, this exquisite item of clothing should be placed in a time capsule and buried underground so humans 200 years from now can find it.
But first, Osher declares it's time for the big first date of the series to begin.
At 5am, Elora is woken for her date and Ubered to a rather unpleasant looking beach on a bleak and grey weekday morning.
She struggles to walk through the wet sand along the waters' edge in five-inch wedge sandals, skinny jeans and a leather jacket.
Her cute little Portmans outfit is so not appropriate beachwear. Even the ever ethereal Cate Blanchett says "f*ck it, I'm wearing Crocs," when she hits Bondi.
A quick refresher on Elora: Her parents are French and she was born in Tahiti, but she has some kind of American accent. And I swear there are moments on this date where Matty J actually starts speaking in an American accent too.
They hang out on a boat for a while and then head back to a cabin where they ask each other what the other is thinking over and over. They then sit in silence and have a competition about who can do the best impression of that smug Willy Wonka meme.
Elora is dying to kiss Matty J and she makes it pretty clear. But Matty doesn't let it happen.
So when Elora goes back to the mansion and is interrogated by the other girls about whether she scored a pash, the answer should be pretty simple. It's a firm "no" and we all know it.
But Elora refuses to admit that.
"Um ... you know what? To be honest, it was so real and there's so much that happened between me and him that I really need time to think about what I want to say and what I'm not gonna say just because it was REALLY REAL and I'm just trying to protect my heart," she craps on.
Mean girl Jennifer's not happy. Partly because of Elora's vagueness. And partly because her stemless wine glass is noticeably empty.
So she and her minions troll Elora.
The following day, all the girls are super pumped because it's the first group date of the series. They'll be posing in an '80s high school-style photospread with Matty J for Woman's Day and I'm sure it's the kind of experience everyone's nan would be excited about.
As the girls assemble on location, a fashion choice emerges that actually might become my favourite thing to happen on this entire series.
Please observe this frayed denim choker with a pizza emoji embroidered on it.
I immediately try to find it on the Iconic before they sell out but have no luck. It seems like more of an Etsy find anyway.
As the girls are paired off, Florence gets confused when she's told she'll be posing with Matty J alongside fellow contestant and housemate Jennifer. But she doesn't know anyone in the house named Jennifer.
Remember last night when Jennifer had a full on meltdown after she heard Elizabeth calling her dress "putrid"? Well, she's decided it's her turn to join the fashion police. While all the other girls get handed their '80s prom dresses, Jennifer stands behind a clothing rack with minion Leah and they call everyone's outfits fugly within earshot.
Then Jennifer gets handed her outfit for the day.
Anyway, a bunch of retro-looking photos happen and Rizzo gets jealous of Sandy who's clearly got chemistry with Danny and then they all go for sodas in Kenickie's car.
And then someone gets rejected in front of the entire school.
Remember Leah and her terrible flirting? Well, she's at it again and in her one-on-one photoshoot with Matty J, she had to get up close and personal with him on a motorbike.
By this point, all the other girls are done for the day and are totally drunk. So they're looking on from afar and heckling.
And Leah decides she's totally got this and goes in for a kiss. Only she so doesn't have it. She swoops in to try lick his face. And Matty J pulls away so fast he almost pushes her off the motorbike.
The only thing that can save someone from such a humiliating experience is carbs. So the following day, Matty makes a surprise visit to the mansion to deliver a basket of muffins to the girls.
We then witness perhaps the most real, honest and raw reaction we've ever seen on a reality show.
But the muffins are merely a cheap distraction. After throwing the mounds of carbohydrates at the girls, he secretly whisks Lisa away for a game of tennis.
They try to be cute with each other while wearing all-white outfits and suddenly we go from the tennis court to a spa where Matty J's face gets creamed on and Lisa gets given a rose.
Soon, it's nightfall and time for the second cocktail party of the year. And tonight, Jennifer has Elora in her sights.
"It's time for me to up my game and throw a spanner in the works basically for being a cocky bitch," she says of Elora.
With minion Leah by her side, Jennifer begins to troll. But Elora hits back with a harsh truth: "I don't think you're very nice".
Jennifer - who's pretending to sip from another empty wine glass - acts as if this is legitimately the first time someone has insinuated she's not the friendliest gal to hang out with.
Leah decides to pipe up and rope Elora's best friend Simone into the mess and it all ends with Simone yelling: "I DON'T LIKE YOU! I DON'T LIKE YOU! F***ING IDIOT!"
It was all very low-key and civilised.
But before Jennifer can pretend to throw the contents of her empty wine glass at Elora, the rose ceremony is called.
With only 17 roses, one has to go. It comes down to Leah and some other lady. And the other lady is sent packing.
So click the lid off your Texta and draw a big cross through her face on that chart you keep above your desk at work.
For more observations on carbs and frayed denim chokers with pizza emojis embroidered on them, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir