MAFS cheaters dis wife before dirty pash
MARRIED At First Sight's cheaters have reached a new low - dissing an innocent wife within earshot before sneaking away to pash in the rain at a boozy dinner party.
We all watched on hesitantly - nervous at the graphic scenes that could come when very sharp veneers come in contact with very enhanced lips.
"Would you have picked Tamara?" Jessika asks Dan while trying to seduce him before the potentially fatal pash on Wednesday night.
"Her personality's great … But I'm not attracted to her," he says about his wife.
At this same moment, Tamara is at the other end of the dining table telling everyone how great her marriage to Dan is. If only she knew the truth. She so wouldn't be about it.
"I'm just over it," Jessika's husband Mick tells us at the beginning of Wednesday's episode and, honestly, so are we. We can't wait to have a conversation that's not about this crapfest.
Things are a mess with Mick and Jessika ever since he sledged her entire family last night.
Jessika tells us she's upset but, really, she has already moved on.
"I'm just looking forward to seeing Dan tonight," she giggles. "Last week, we had an instant physical connection."
By "instant physical connection", she means she untied her top in front of him while he looked stunned.
Mick's fed up. He buggers off out of the apartment without Jessika and blows into the dinner party alone, dressed like your dad when he walks down the shops to get the paper.
He gets in early with his side of the story and tells everyone about how Jess is nuts and he's been nothing but nice.
Suddenly, the door swings open and Jessika makes a spectacular entrance.
"I can hear everything!" she splatters. I say the exact same thing when I enter a room, just to keep everyone on their toes in case they were bitching about me. Even if they weren't, it makes them very uncomfortable and you automatically have the upper hand.
"Did he tell you the whole thing?" she asks Martha. "Did you hear how he called my sister a c**t and my best friend a c**t?"
Martha has some very Martha advice.
"Tell everyone," she whispers to Jessika.
But Jessika doesn't want to engage and she decides it's the perfect moment to crack jokes.
She pledges to take the high road and avoid getting involved in a match of he-said-she-said.
Three seconds later, she has assembled everyone in a group.
"He called my sister a c**t and my best friend a c**t and my dad a drunk and my brother a f*ck head!" she splurts.
We run to the dinner table to continue drinking, and Jessika ensures she's sitting opposite Dan. In an attempt to recreate the physical connection she claims they shared last week, she tries winking at him.
Jessika doesn't realise she contradicts herself every time she opens her mouth. She continues to whine about how Mick disrespected her and then suddenly segues into telling us how she plans on hitting on Dan tonight and breaking up his marriage.
"Tonight, I know what I want," she smiles. "I'm very interested in Dan. Very interested. But how am I supposed to talk to him when Tamara's sitting right there? Is that her name?"
If Tamara knew about this, she might also feel a little disrespected. Only, she wouldn't use those words, exactly. She'd just whip her hair around while repeating her catchphrase, "I'm not about it".
Down the table, Heidi's being all intense again and all we can here is her screaming: "I don't know how we can work! How?! HOW?!"
Honestly, Heidi, we don't know how either but we also don't care. She then gets cocky and informs Mike, "Yeah, um, I'm not just gonna marry anyone," and we're all like, YOU LITERALLY DID JUST MARRY ANYONE.
At a random corner of the dining table, Tamara is sitting with the gals and smugly brags about how things are great with her and Dan even though their relationship is just a condom wrapper in an empty pizza box.
"There's obviously something there. We're obviously very attracted to each other," she nods.
It's at this point Jessika makes a move. She sits next to Dan and pulls out all the stops.
She says she hates Mick and he says he's not into Tamara.
"Be a shame to see you leave," Dan nods.
She licks her lips. He licks his veneers. The attraction is palpable.
"I feel like everyone's staring at us," he says and, yeah, that's because you're flirting with a married woman who's not your wife.
"We can go away to speak so everyone stops staring at us?" she suggests and, no, we'll just follow you and stare more.
In the courtyard of this warehouse, where so many surgically enhanced contestants have cheated before, Jessika and Dan go for it.
"Come on, get close to me, babe," he growls and she falls into him.
"You're a very good looking guy. I just can't walk away from this knowing there could be something potentially with yourself," she says.
He asks if she has come onto any other husbands and she says nah despite the fact she propositioned Nic last week and got rejected in front of seven cameras.
Rain starts pouring down and the pair run under an awning to seek shelter.
"You make me feel giddy and I feel nervous," she giggles while plucking his elastic suspender.
They stare into each other's eyes. The rain slops down on the corrugated iron awning. And then they both lunge in.
"You're a good kisser, too," he says.
Just as the group notices they're missing from he table, they hatch a plan.
Jessika had originally agreed with Mick that they'd both choose to leave this Sunday and release each other from the misery. But this means she wouldn't see Dan anymore.
"I reckon you should write stay," Dan tells her. "I wanna get to know you more. I'm pretty keen for it."
They're playing a dangerous game. Not just because they're cheating in plain sight and making their partners look like idiots. But because repeated vigorous collisions between his veneers and her lips will only end in disaster.
For more observations on being a lady with dignity, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir