Is this the best Aussie beer?
Aussie beer is not just a drink, it's a way of life and the weapon you choose says a lot about you.
The intoxicating golden liquid is undoubtedly one of Australia's most nation-defining products, and when it's done right it can taste like a little slice of heaven on the tip of your tongue.
When it's done horribly, it can taste like battery acid mixed with air freshener.
With that in mind, let's take a look at the beers (I believe) you need to get in and around your mouth.
If you think I'm wrong, politely let me know by filling in the poll at the bottom of the story and we'll see, once and for all, which beer is Australia's favourite.
1. Victoria Bitter
Vitamin B, the Very Best, watermelons - whatever you want to call it, this, for my "hard-earned" cash, is the best Aussie beer on the mainstream market.
With a hint of chemical tinny goodness, VB is gloriously refreshing on a summer's day and has just the right amount of flavour to give you tastebuds something to think about.
I've still never figured out what kind of beer VB actually is, but in my mind it's a dangerous love-child between some sort of European lager and a traditional English real ale.
Be warned, though. If you have one, it's almost impossible to stop and the hangovers will leave you convulsing in extreme distress.
2. Coopers (green)
This is the first proper Aussie beer I laid my lips on (we have Foster's in the UK, which is marketed as an Aussie beer but it's actually brewed in the world's most un-Australian place, Manchester).
The first mouthful of sediment still haunts me to this day, but this South Australian icon is easily one of the best tasting beers out there.
It's cloudy, a touch fruity and not too heavy - so it doesn't make you feel like you've contracted a mild case of salmonella as so many pale ales do after six or seven bottles.
There are other colours out there if you're feeling adventurous. But be honest with yourself, green is the best.
Don't forget to give it a roll before drinking.
Imagine walking into a pub that hasn't changed its carpet since the 1970s.
Now take a slice of that carpet and squeeze it into a glass of fizzy water.
What you end up with is something vaguely resembling a schooner of Resch's, and that's what makes it the third best beer in Australia.
It's funky and refreshing in equal measure like all the best things in life.
4. XXXX Gold/ Carlton Cold (tie)
If you're looking to drink all day, as many of us like to in Australia, stop reading this and buy a carton of XXXX Gold or Carlton Cold.
If you're looking for flavour, these are not the beers for you. But rest assured, what they lack in punch they make up for with pure drinkability.
Once you have three, you'll notice the fourth doesn't even taste like beer. It just tastes like cold sparkling water with a kick of miscellaneous flavouring.
Goes down a little too easy, which is simultaneously ideal and dangerous for an all-day session.
This is a bit of wildcard, as Furphy's a relatively new addition to the mainstream beer market.
However, the reason its stuck around and made a name for itself is simple, it tastes pretty damn good and it doesn't make you feel ill like many craft beers tend to.
If XXXX Gold is one end of scale in terms drinkability and a Russian Imperial Stout is on the other, this bad boy probably sits somewhere between the two.
TIME FOR YOU TO DECIDE
You will no doubt be seething with rage from my top five selection, and hankering for a cold one to calm yourself down.
However, before you do, fill in this poll so we can all have some peace of mind.
I'll count the votes and let you know what the go is after a few schooies.
What's the best Aussie beer?
This poll ended on 17 September 2019.
Stone & Wood
James Squire One Fifty Lashes
This is not a scientific poll. The results reflect only the opinions of those who chose to participate.