‘Bombshell’: Bach sister brutally rejected
One of the two sisters starring as The Bachelorette has been brutally rejected on her own show and left feeling more embarrassed than the guy who makes dolphin sex noises for his mum.
What a low point. And to think, it's just the premiere. The only way is down.
Because one woman dating 20 men all at once isn't weird enough, producers have decided to make two sisters date the same 20 men all at once.
We know Elly from last year's series of The Bachelor. She will be boyfriend-sharing with her older sister, Becky. Who's the Jan and who's the Marcia? This question is answered by the end of the night.
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here
Since The Bachelor wrapped two weeks ago, producers have had plenty of time to Glen 20 the mansion. The fake tan stains have been washed from the towels and the clumps of hair have been pulled out of the shower drain. We're ready to roll.
Speaking of that dank old mansion, a lot of people have wondered over the years where it's located. Tonight, it is revealed.
The bus pulls up and all the guys basically look like the weirdos from your high school whose Facebook friend requests you've been rejecting for a decade.
Obviously the guy in the above screenshot thought his steampunk hat and goggles would be a fun conversation starter. It wasn't. We're disappointed for several reasons. One: Who wears a steampunk hat and goggles? And two: Who the hell doesn't ask someone why they're wearing a steampunk hat and goggles? Points have been deducted from everyone involved.
We're baffled but then we get distracted and have to call Kylie Minogue to let her know one of her backup dancers is on the loose.
Hey cupid! If you could just shoot that arrow right in my face, I'd love you forever.
Then some guy who goes only by the initials A.B. arrives and treats us all to a confronting dance routine that involves gyrating in silence. I greet my Deliveroo rider the same way.
He zones in on Becky and thrusts over.
"Enchanté, mademoiselle," he kisses her hand.
His conversation is as smooth as his gyrating. "What kind of coffee do you like?"
"Um … piccolo. Almond milk," Becky shrugs.
"Mmmm. Almond milk," he purrs.
Never before has a dairy substitute sounded so sexy. Elly humbly steps aside and allows her sister to have A.B. It's so gracious of her.
For about 15 minutes, we witness a revolving door of guys with long hair. This one stands out only because of his upper-ear piercing.
Producers have forgotten to cast a lot of our favourite fellas. We're missing a Bad Boy. And there hasn't even been a cocky entrepreneur. Instead, we've got a professional wakeboarder and a kitesurfing instructor.
Oh, and an animal-noise-maker. We meet Samuel and he demonstrates the unmistakeable sound of a dolphin having sex while choking on burrito foil. This is followed by the calls of a goose being hit by a Daewoo. And then the screams of a guinea pig being sucked up by a vacuum cleaner.
"I'm quite proud of who I am. I'm very unique," he says as he walks down the path to meet the ladies. No one argues.
"I'd like to do this thing I do for my mum," he shares with them. "It's called a dolphin kiss."
He then repeats the impression of a dolphin having sex while choking on burrito foil. Settle down ladies, only one of you can have him.
Well, that wraps up the circus freak portion of the evening. Finally, Hot Joe arrives.
He's a labourer from Newcastle and Elly's face lights up the second she hears the sound of those Blundstones thumping down the path.
"So … I actually know Joe," she admits. "Um … yeah … we've had a little bit of … history."
Oooh. Intrigue! Tell me more, tell me more. Like, does he have a car?
Elly gets shy and doesn't want to reveal any more details. So we just pull Joe aside and force him to expose their history.
"I know Elly well - we're, like, good friends," he smiles. "I used to live with her best friend back in Newcastle. We've been on a couple of dates and it probably wasn't the right timing. But fate has given me an opportunity to come back and have another go. Elly's the one that got away and this could be my second chance."
Obviously there's just one thing we all really wanna know. Becky takes one for the team.
"So you guys have …" she asks her sister, raising her eyebrows.
"Yeah," Elly confirms.
It wouldn't be a Bachelorette premiere without Osher inventing a new rose and creating a boring game around it.
"This is the country rose!" he holds up a regular old rose as everyone gasps.
Everyone keeps whispering the phrase "country rose" over and over again and it just sounds like the name of a Faith Hill CD.
Osher gets annoyed that we compared his fancy new rose to a Faith Hill CD, so he ends the evening early and sounds the alarm for the rose ceremony.
It unfolds the way it should - names are called, roses are handed out. We zone out and start googling to see if the steampunk trend is making a comeback. It's not.
Becky calls up A.B. He's the guy who - moments earlier - gyrated on her and showered her with attention and compliments in French while ignoring Elly.
She's not really into him but she has to get rid of some other weirdos tonight and decides she can tolerate being gyrated on for another week or two.
"Will you accept this rose," she asks him.
He doesn't gyrate up to her. Or moonwalk. He doesn't even give us a little bit of the robot. Instead, he walks slowly to the front of the room and looks down.
"Becky, I'm really sorry. You're absolutely beautiful. And unfortunately, I cannot accept this rose," he states.
Being rejected on your own show by a guy who you're not even interesting in? What a blow. But we all know Becky's better than this. She didn't want to spend her nights learning viral dance routines, anyway.
"Absolute bombshell, I can't believe it," one of the guys grunts. Probably the one with the long hair and the upper-ear piercing.
You better believe Becky handles it with grace. She has an unbreakable optimism and as if she'd let some guy who makes TikTok dance videos taint her eternally sunny disposition. She walks him out to the car and thanks him for the honesty.
Still, it's unfair. Elly gets reunited with Hot Joe but Becky gets dumped by a cruise ship dancer? Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!
The guy who makes dolphin sex noises for his mum gets eliminated along with another guy who we don't know.
It's not a big deal. Becky wasn't going to find love with them. Will she form a connection with any of the remaining guys? Maybe. At the very least, she'll always have George Glass.
Originally published as 'Bombshell': Bach sister brutally rejected