‘B**ches’: Bach snitch goes rogue
BREAKING protocol, a snitch on The Bachelor has gone rogue and accosted Nick Cummins in the dark of night with some important information about the other girls that could alter the course of the competition.
"I know this isn't protocol but am I able to speak with you outside?" the snitch tells Nick following her elimination. He's not prepared for what she reveals. And neither are the other girls.
We adore snitches. While society might not like snitches, in these recaps we like to hoist them onto our shoulders and celebrate them.
It's the explosive end to a sensational episode. Almost stealing the snitch's thunder on Wednesday night, Royal DJ Cass goes to extreme lengths to get Nick's attention. While she's been satisfied stalking him and lurking in the shadows for months, she yearns to be closer to him. And the results are humiliating.
But first, we have to analyse more important things. Like this chick holding a potato.
With the delivery of a new date card, the gals gather around to hear the clue.
"Our paths have crossed before … but that was a lifetime ago," it taunts.
This clue was written to excite Cass, who has been stalking Nick for months in the lead up to this competition.
"This could be me!" she beams.
But it's all a cruel rouse to lift her up in order to smash her down.
The date goes to Brittany, who insists on pronouncing her name like "Britt-tan-nee". She has the same complex about her name as people named Sara who get all snappy when you pronounce it as Sarah. "It's saaaah-raaaaahr" they snip and everyone's like, "Sit down, Sarah".
Anyway, we all look to the Cass to see how deflated she is which makes it super awkward.
On a jetty, we all wait with Britt-tan-nee as Nick glides across the water on a rented boat. As he moores, he yells what are perhaps the most romantic words ever uttered on this esteemed show.
"Please board my vessel," he says.
Britt-tan-nee is one lucky lady. All I want in life is for a boy to tell Australia he wants me to board his vessel.
Nick asks Brittany if she's prepared to risk it for the biscuit and that question is just redundant. I'd do anything for biscuits and you'd have to be an idiot not to. Biscuits are wonderful.
"That's my favourite expression! Did you not know that!" she exclaims. No Brittany, he did not know that as he's literally just met you and doesn't even know your last name let alone your favourite biscuit.
Brittany acts strangely coy at all times and always looks at Nick as if he's just said something outrageously suggestive to her.
Back on land, Nick explains they're about to play a complicated game. A game so complicated it requires a detailed explanation. It's at this moment Nick says the second most romantic thing ever uttered on this show.
"Basically you jam that thing in one of those holes … with your foot," he growls.
Brittany reacts like most of us do on our first time jamming things in holes with out foot.
It's starts to become clear Brittany has not been on a date or had any male interaction in quite some time.
She whips out some pre-prepared questions she wants them both to answer. It's all very predictable - questions like, list the three most important qualities in a partner.
They say all the obvious answers. Just once it'd be nice if someone gave a true, deep and real response to that question.
"I want someone who lives within the boundary lines for decent burger places on Deliveroo, only wants to hang out when it's convenient for me, and doesn't judge me for having ants in my car," is the kind of authentic response we're looking for.
They move into the pool and it becomes obvious Nick sees something in Brittany. He likes her. He doesn't care his curls have gotten wet and he now has to wash them and do a conditioning treatment so they don't frizz in the morning. He paddles in and kisses her.
The following day, Nick applies some FrizzEase and shows up on time for the much-hyped group date. It's as interesting as this ping pong ball balancing on a straw.
This game isn't even a thing but somehow Vanessa Sunshine wins. Her reaction can only be described as exultant.
While Vanessa frowns her way through her terrible single date, Brooke, who has acquired the key to Nick's home, gets nervous she hasn't spent any time with him. She frantically rolls out the blueprint of his mansion on the dining table to plot her route into his bedroom.
The following morning, she wakes at the crack of dawn to break in.
"I'm using the key because I'm so sick of not getting one-on-one time with Nick," she declares, slamming the door of the show's promotional Hyundai station wagon.
She rocks up to his house with no warning, armed with bacon and egg rolls.
Because Nick is lovely, he takes the ambush in his stride and welcomes her in. I would not have this reaction. I don't like seeing anyone before midday. I look ugly and I smell weird when I wake up. And if a guy came to my door with breakfast wanting to snuggle, I'd snatch the bacon and egg rolls through a crack in the door and eat both of them by myself while watching Younger.
But Nick doesn't feel the same way. His heart is opening to Brooke. Much like Brittany's dress is opening up at the cocktail party.
All these single dates have thrown Cass through a loop. She just wants to be noticed by Nick but for some reason she lurks in the shadows. It's the eternal struggle stalkers face.
As she breaks down, we notice she's clutching a small book. It has a glittery, silver cover - like a child's diary.
"I wanted to speak tonight … because … I … anyway … um … I've written some things down in here that I want to say to him," she says, clutching her diary. "My feelings for him are so strong."
Overwhelmed, she retreats to her safe place: In the shadows behind a tree where she can monitor Nick.
Cass's heart is pounding. She's shaking. As she closes her eyes, she dreams of the days where everything was simple - the warm summer afternoons in Manly, when she'd stalk Nick at the local Fitness First and lurk on the stationary bike behind his, occasionally picking the disinfectant wipes out of the bin after he'd used them to wipe down his equipment.
After a long exhale, she makes her move and approaches her crush. She opens her diary and recites the words written on the page. The passages retain the same raw emotion they were written with. The sense of longing is palpable. We picture her laying on her bed at night, pouring her heart onto these pages while Madonna's Lucky Star blares through her Sony boom box - Cass occasionally gazing up at a poster of Molly Ringwald in Pretty In Pink and dreaming of the kind of romance she's seen in all the big movies.
"From the moment I first saw you, there was this precious moment in time where it felt like everything stood still. And we locked eyes through the crowd," she recites to Nick, recalling the first time she stalked him at a BodyAttack class.
"I didn't know who you were. But all knew was I wanted to get to know you. Fast forward to a few months later where I properly got to meet you … And there was a moment of realisation for me that love at first sight could be true."
Nick's stunned. Cass is elated. And with that, she runs off back into the bushes. Molly Ringwald would be proud.
While Cass journals her feelings about what just happened, we walk over to the patio where this chick in a bad wig is attacking everyone for no reason.
By the time the rose ceremony is called, we're emotionally exhausted. Roses seem to go to everyone who doesn't deserve one.
The mean girl in the wig and her two accomplices all get through. It makes Carly spin. To refresh your memory, Carly is the Energy Healer with the Himalayan salt lamp who mumbles lots of gripes without moving her jaw.
Carly's fed up. And while she could use her crystals to heal her energy to stop being so negative, she doesn't want to.
"These girls, they're not even down to earth, and if I do go I'm gonna tell him who the fake bitches are," she warns.
In a glorious finish, Carly and two other randos are shoved out. And Carly makes good on her promise.
"I know this isn't protocol but am I able to speak with you outside before I leave?" Cayla mumbles to Nick.
Outside, Cayla not only breaks protocol. She also snitches.
She snitches on the girl with the bad wig. She snitches on that chick who tried to force-pash Nick last week. And she snitches on their friend who hasn't really done anything of note.
"I just need to tell you there are so many inauthentic girls in this house and they are blindsiding you. You should know this," she says.
"From the very beginning Cat and Romy … They aren't good people. And they're blindsiding you. Cat and Romy are literally here to be famous. Cat's been plugging her jewellery. Romy is so fake! Honestly."
Nick doesn't like drama. He doesn't know how to respond.
"Thank you for sharing," is all he says.
Trying to avoid drama, he puts Carly and her crystals into an Uber.
"OK," he says, reaching for the door. But Carly's determined to warn him.
"You wanna know who the good ones are?" she frantically asks.
Nick shuts the door.
The door slams shut.
"Oh my god," she mumbles into her crystals as the Uber pulls away from the kerb.
As the old adage goes: Snitches get stitches and also create interesting subplots on reality shows.
For more observations on fake bitches and boarding vessels, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir